5 April 2020

Psychotherapist and twin mum Sophie September on looking after yourself when you’re looking after babies. Sophie is mum to toddlers Marnie and Rex.

“I can’t help you, I’m afraid, unless you take the children out of the buggy.” I was taking the train to meet a friend and her baby, had missed my stop and this station had no lift. I’d asked a member of staff to help me carry the buggy with my sleeping twins up some steps to another platform.

I felt like bursting into tears of frustration; it’s at moments like these when the emotional enormity of being a twin mum hits me.

After navigating the logistics of getting to a new location, seating the babies, dealing with the grizzling, providing snacks and changing nappies, I managed to exchange about five sentences with my friend. Being a mother can feel lonely - and being a mother of twins can feel even more alienating at times.

Having trained as a psychotherapist, I’ve done a lot of personal therapy and generally felt grounded in dealing with life’s stresses. However, the transition to motherhood threw me into a new world of trying to meet two babies’ needs, which is emotionally and physically draining. And I don’t want people to see me as someone who’s not coping.

Postnatal anxiety and/or depression are a significant risk for mothers of multiples. A Twins Trust report states that approximately one in five mothers of twins and triplets receives a diagnosis of postnatal depression. I wanted to share some key tools which have kept me in relatively good mental health during my babies’ first year.

Connecting with others

I have worked with many clients who suffer from depression. People often withdraw from others when they’re feeling low, which exacerbates feelings of loneliness and creates a vicious cycle.

There have been days when I have felt hopeless and trapped. What has helped me in these times is to share my feelings with someone I trust.

It might be a short text to another twin mum, or talking to my partner. Linking up with Twins Trust clubs was great for finding other twin mums who “get it”. It’s amazing that once you show your vulnerability, others tend to show it too. 

Once you show your vulnerability, others tend to show theirs too. Over the past year I’ve become better at asking for help.

Finding others to connect with is so helpful for parents of multiples, as the logistical barriers alone can leave you feeling more isolated.

Mindfulness

As mums, we are programmed to be “maternally preoccupied”: we are constantly considering the wants, needs and feelings of our babies. At times I’ve felt particularly anxious about what could go wrong when I’m out with the twins. Mindfulness can help with this.

Jon Kabat-Zinn, an American author, defined mindfulness as an “awareness that arises through paying attention, on purpose, in the present moment, non-judgementally”. I try to remind myself that if I am really in the moment with my senses, then there is no space for “catastrophising” about the future.

On one particular day, the twins handed me a Help and info Babies book with pictures of fruit. I passed them two apples from the fruit bowl and watched as they explored, touching and tasting. When babies are playing, they are spontaneous and free - they are truly in the moment. They can teach us that this is a good place to be. So sometimes I try to stop rushing around and just be with them, even for a few minutes.

Making time for myself

Some parents may feel guilty about leaving their children to do something for themselves - but if parents are happy, children are more likely to be happy too. For parents of multiples who also have other children, finding the time to nurture yourself is a real challenge.

Our days are packed with things on the “to do” list. Children teach us that plans can go awry at any time, but I have made a practice of thinking about the week ahead and setting some time aside for myself. It may be difficult to get to the gym, but I can do a 10-minute run after the children are in bed. I can’t often go for a massage, but I can have a relaxing bath with a magazine once a week. Doing something small for myself can leave me with a renewed sense of energy and calm.

Support

As parents of multiples, we need to speak out about mental health so that we don’t feel alone. On good days I feel so lucky to have twins – and on bad days I wouldn’t wish this on my worst enemy!

This is the emotional rollercoaster ride of parenting multiples. I have some anxiety about how people will judge me for sharing the more negative emotions of parenting. This, however, is the very thing we need to tackle: parents shouldn’t need to feel shame on top of all the other pressures and feelings that come with parenthood. You can always phone Twinline, Twins Trust’s freephone listening service, and speak to a parent who can offer you support and lend a listening ear.